


How To Woo A Winchester And Get Laid

by Anulap



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 06:48:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1888965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anulap/pseuds/Anulap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I dedicate this to GreyMichaela and my inability to write any sort of erotic scene without laughing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Woo A Winchester And Get Laid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GreyMichaela](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyMichaela/gifts).



Sam reached for a dusty book on the shelf filled with arcane knowledge. If he lived to be 100, he'd never be able to read them all more than three or four times. "So get this," he started, turning towards his older brother.

"Can't talk now. Hotdemonwaitressburgerpie." Dean rattled off as he rushed up the bunker stairs, crossbow, salt, and condoms spilling from his arms.

Sam glared at the space that once contained Dean and pretended he was still there. "According to this book on ancient angel mythology, which is conveniently written in English, angels will turn into potted plants when they ingest a mixture of potassium ferrocyanide and Twinkies."

Sam hopped over the table, grabbed an empty beer, and lounged sloppily over a chair. "S'what Sammy boy? Twinkies are awesome! Mmmm pie and boobs." Sam hopped back over to the other side. "Dean! Don't you realize what this means? We can take down Michael--er--SuperCasti--er--Meta--whoever is the angel villain right now, I lost track."

Sam hopped back to the Dean spot. "Mmf hrmmf pie nom nom okay let's go get 'em woo bang bang punch blammo!"

The sudden sound of clapping startled Sam and he fell over in his chair, crashing to the floor. He leapt up and glowered at the intruder.

Gabriel, mischievous angel and known trickster continued sarcastically clapping at Sam. "Very good impression. So this is what happens when a Winchester has to play with himself?"

Sam smoothed his shirt and tried to assume control over his own limbs, stumbling against the corner of the table as his feet betrayed him. "Uh, I, nothing. Just practicing for later or something."

Gabriel smirked and circled Sam. "What's this I hear about turning angels into potted plants? You aren't thinking of doing anything to little ol' me, are you?"

"Of course not, Gabriel, you know I've learned my lesson about trying to kill you. Besides, you're way less of a dick than Michael and Metatron. You're only a small dick--" Sam winced as the words left his mouth before he could suck them back in.

Gabriel raised his eyebrow and took on the appearance of Zorro. "¿Mi pene es pequeño, dice usted? Estas palabras me hieren, Samuel. Y sabes lo que hago a las personas que me hacen daño con sus palabras." Gabriel whirled around, his body becoming a miniature tornado. Sam yelped and tried to escape, but the Gabrinado sucked him into the spinning mass and disappeared.

\----------

Sam opened his eyes to suspiciously cheerful blue sky, inhaling the earthy scent of sun-warmed grass and wildflowers. He looked around to get his bearings and spied a table nearby. He heaved himself aloft, stretched to his full height (almost knocking some migrating geese from their flight path), and cautiously walked over. 

The table was set for two, candles flickered in the breeze, flutes of champagne merrily gassed off carbonic acid, and Italian dressing dripped suggestively down a tall, thick head of romaine thrusting from a salad bowl.

Gabriel appeared in one of the chairs, dressed like the product of a torrid affair between Fabio and a pirate. “Sam, mi amore,” he purred, “do sit down and join me for supper.” Gabriel waggled his eyebrows and licked a breadstick he produced from somewhere in his pants.

“Um, okay.” Sam said, baffled. He sat down in the other chair and looked at the feast of oysters in a fig coulis, with chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. “Am I missing something?”

Gabriel gazed across the table with hooded eyes and huskily whispered, “You are only missing my lips on yours.”

Sam blinked a few times in confusion, looking back and forth from the table setting to Gabriel’s face. Suddenly, the pieces clicked. “Oh. Oh! Uh, Gabriel, this is sweet and all, but I’m not sure--”

Gabriel leapt into Sam’s lap and pressed Sam’s lips closed with his fingers. “Hush now, my darling, let us enjoy this sumptuous feast now and then... _each other!_ ”

Sam jumped back, toppling both Gabriel and himself into a heap on the grass. The tablecloth, caught in Gabriel’s pants, pulled their dinner around them, soaking them in champagne and strawberries. Gabriel, delighted, began nibbling bits of oyster from Sam’s neck as his hands reached to tear their clothes apart.

Sam stayed Gabriel’s hands. “Now look here, Mister Grabby, I am not opposed to a night of passionate lovemaking with you, but this is your fantasy, not mine. Oysters and penis salad isn’t really my thing. You want to get in my pants, you need to woo me properly.”

Gabriel pouted briefly, then a glimmer appeared in his eyes as a sneaky grin spread across his face. “Certainly, my unctuous ungulate, I will do as you wish!” 

The meadow disappeared and was replaced with a gloomy cell, water dripping from the ceiling while moss grew delicately along the walls. In the center was a large bed, covered in shimmery, raw silk curtains. One curtain drew back to reveal Gabriel lounging on the bed, adorned in black leather chaps with his white ass gleaming in the dim candlelight. 

“This is more like it,” Sam approved. “But it’s missing something.”

Gabriel clapped his hands and the soothing sounds of Barry Manilow filled the room. He frowned, clapped again, and this time was rewarded with the haunting melodies of Enya. “Do you like, my love?” Gabriel purred.

Without a word, Sam tore off his remaining clothes and leapt into bed with Gabriel. “I want you, my angelic rapscallion. I want your glowing rod of Divine light inside me, filling me with your Glory.”

Delighted, Gabriel snapped shackles over Sam’s wrists and ankles as Sam moaned in anticipation. Gabriel then conjured a peacock feather and used it to stroke Sam’s quivering manmeant, getting harder and harder as he watched Sam’s member jump and swell to enormity. 

When Sam could take it no longer, he cried out, “Blow my horn, Gabriel! Blow it and tear down my Jericho walls!” Gabriel raised an eyebrow, hesitated, then shrugged and gulped down Sam’s tumescent custard launcher, sending it far deeper into the depths than any mortal could offer.

Sam felt himself ready to cum, but didn’t want to just yet. “Gabriel,” he whispered. “I need your magnificent manhood inside me. Give me your most Holy of meat injections!” Sam twisted around and presented his shuddering ass as Gabriel pressed himself against his mortal lover.

"Oh Sam," Gabriel whispered as he stroked Sam's long, flowing locks. "God made your ass in my cock's image." With that, Gabriel spread Sam’s muscular cheeks and thrust his turgid cock into Sam's tight ass, pumping in a frenzy borne from years of unrequited lust.

The pair worked themselves into a frenzy of piston engine pumping. Both were utterly lost in the throes of mangel passion as they tore the cosmos apart with their hunger for fucking. On the other side of the planet, elderly nuns awoke from deep sleep, their loins on fire from the outpouring of Sam and Gabriel’s galactic sexual energy.

Sam’s vision began to fill with multicolored sparkles and as he climaxed with the most beautiful waves of pleasure he ever experienced, he looked over his shoulder to see Gabriel cumming as well, dressed as a clown.

Sam screamed and the world went dark.

\----------

“Yo Sammy!” Dean called, as he sauntered down the stairs, dirty and disheveled, clothing slightly smoking. 

“Hey Dean how’s it going? Nothing happened. All is fine. Nothing weird or anything,” Sam rushed his words, looking mildly panicked. 

Dean gave him a Look and said “Whatever, I’m gonna get a shower.” He paused at the entrance and said “When did we get a plant?”

“Um, Kevin’s mom brought it by. Thought the place needed cheering up.”

Dean grunted and disappeared around a corner. 

Sam let out the breath he was holding and slunk back into his room. “Well, that was close,” he sighed as he reached for his clown blow-up doll.


End file.
